July 8th, 2020

The Back Story

Welcome to my blog and my journey to finally getting the help I need.

48 years ago I began my association with the psychiatric industry, it has been a journey I would not wish on anyone at all.  As a kid I was troubled for many reasons, but mostly the fact that my mom and dad divorced and from the time my little sister was born, I was the “other child” in the family.  I did everything I could to be noticed and loved, but it always backfired on me.  Finally in late 60s I blew up at my mother and the people all around me, I couldn’t handle my life any longer, and  had a short but marked violent spell.  I was rushed off to a psychiatrist and was given the lovely diagnosis of “Behavior Problem”, and thrown in an adult psych ward for 2 weeks!

At this time I knew I was broken and had big problems. I began acting out as a teenager, and it continued until my 30s, I left a path of destruction where ever I went, used alcohol, drugs, and relationships to self medicate.  I got pregnant by accident so to speak, and went through the pregnancy alone, with my 7 year old son to care or and a really good job.  After the delivery still on my own a single parent, I was preparing to return to work, and suddenly started having these episodes where my brain would feel as if it was shaking, then it would be followed by an urge to get up fast and go drink water. and then a panic attack would follow.  This continued for some time before seeing a physician who felt they were anxiety attacks, but in fact they were focal seizures.  I was of course put on more medications which didn’t help. I continued on this road for some time.

I had been married twice by this time and was about to meet the man who would define my life for the following 25 years.  I entered a relationship which was so codependent, I ended up hospitalized over and over again due to the emotional abuse. My family doctor put me on meds for severe “anxious depression”, and meds to help with the anxiety attacks.  My partner would make fun of me for needing medications having no idea it was because of him, but I couldn’t leave him.  The more he pulled away the more I gave, and tried to make him love me.

I had 2 children living with me at the time, and between the kids and my partner, my give tanks totally went empty, and in 1995 I finally got the strength to end it, buy going into a woman’s shelter until he was gone.  I moved away for a year to try and put it behind me, but the depression only got worse with  panic attacks and nightmares of the relationship.  When I returned to the city I loved so much, there he was, wanting a part time relationship, and of course I went right back into it, on his timetable of course. This continued until 2009, when I finally had it.

Mean while when I returned to the city I loved so much I was seen by a new psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression, and Seasonal Effective Disorder. He put me on a number of medications, which didn’t work except for one. Divalproex.  Not knowing I had focal seizures I was so happy that they left.

In 1999 My daughter and I moved again so I could return to school  I had 2 admissions to their psych ward where I met a new psychiatrist, who after a thorough screening, decided I had Bipolar, PTSD, and SAD.  When I told him it had all started with these waves that seemed to flow over my brain, he felt they were partial (focal) seizures. I was put on a pile of new meds, which put me in a fog but the depression was not so bad for a few years, and the Hypo mania also approved. The anti-psychotic med was designed to make my brain shut down from constant self talk and planning.

Once more I returned to the city I loved and continued on that cocktail of meds until 2017.  I moved for the last time, finally love the city I didn’t love so much anymore.  I found a new psychiatrist, and he changed my meds, taking me off some and adding new ones.

Today, I see I am broken, in need of help, and the ability to finally fill my give and love tanks back up. I need to learn about feelings other than black and white, anger vs manic,  hurt, depressed are about the only emotions I can identify.

In a week I have an appointment with the mental health intake worker, this is a big city finally, they will work with my PDoc to get the therapy I need. I feel like I am on a new journey.

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