July 8th, 2020

The Codependent Me

June 19 2017

The text came finally,  at about 8:30 on the 17th.  I drove with him from the AB to SK border all the way to Saskatoon, He waved as he passed the cutoff to my town, and I waved back.  To date we haven’t seen each other, but I was a total wreck on Sunday, and I realized what had happened.  From the first contact and finding out he was coming to the city to work, I entered my hypo manic state, and why I have to see it after the fact I do not know. I was triggered by the simple act of hoping for a relationship once more.  Saturday after not hearing from him I started spiraling, some unknown state, by Sunday I was in full hypo mania because he chose not to stop by on his way. I needed to voice my hurt, anger, and frustration and I ended up dumping on Karen, who thank god was patient with me, the hypomania had crashed and left me in a panac.  as Sunday came to an end, I finally was able to sleep, but not for as long as I once had. I am so anxious for my apt with the intake person, I am hinging everything on it to finally get the help I need.  To date I still haven’t seen him, and don’t know when that day will come. Until next time do the best with what you have.

June 17 2017

So waiting for that text is driving me insane, the text that says he is on his way.  My mind is awash with thoughts of what will happen when he gets here, do I look ok, am I ready for this, what will happen, and with the spark still be there after 30 years. I am once again obsessing! Time ticks on slowly, still no text message.  Of course my defensive personality kicks in thinking he has changed his mind, or really doesn’t want to meet up again. I try to say if it doesn’t come to be, so be it, life goes one, but that is utter bs

June 16 2017

I have been codependent since childhood, desperate for love, and to love.  Tomorrow will be a test if after 20 years out of such a relationship if I will be able to follow the rules for myself, let’s see.

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